Dan
My best K-holes happen in public, oddly enough. Clubs, circuit parties, festivals. I have a great group of party friends who know how to handle someone who’s in a hole, and I’m lucky to be able to remain standing, dancing and functional enough while catatonic & listening to good music in a safe space with my crew keeping me protected and safe. See: more warnings at the end.
The “simulation”
For me, I first realize I am going into a hole when I start to realize that my hands are out of sync with the motions I’m expecting. Almost like I’m seeing reality in slow motion. Something is wrong, different, not quite right. I can still hear music from the club around me, I can still see people moving and milling about, dancing, etc. But reality starts to go into pause around me.
I slowly feel my presence lifting away from my physical self, going a few inches of of phase with my corporeal body. I’m sometimes just an inch or two out of alignment with reality, but sometimes I’m a few feet away looking down at my body in front of me. I can see myself moving, dancing, I just feel powerless to control my motions or my “self.”
As I realize I’m out of sync with reality, I start to make motions with my hands to calibrate to this new world, almost the same gestures every time. Checking to see if I still have any control, until I slowly lose my ability to move under my own power and control.
As this happens, the world around me starts to slow down. The music slows, decreasing in speed and intensity until it’s just the last few seconds of whatever song was playing drawn out and stretched, until it slowly decreases in speed until it’s completely paused at the last note, long and drawn out, like a singer holding a note in a song as long as they can before they run out of air. The people around me go into freeze frame, locked in whatever position they were when everything shuts down.
Slowly, everything around me starts to pull inward, almost like I am the center of a black hole. The world shrinks down around me, slowly being sucked into the hole, warping and stretching until it shrinks inward and gets sucked into the void. The hole is directly in front of me. It’s always a black hole about 6-12 inches in circumference with a glowing white circle around it.
I get pulled into this void, and everything goes completely white, as-if the world around me is blank and I’m the only thing left. Almost like a “heaven” dream sequence from a movie or TV show, standing in a vast emptiness. A white tunnel pulling me in, And suddenly, it all goes from bright white to black.
While in this complete black space, I can still see myself. I get the realization that the entire world around me is a creation of my actions and choices, and the power I have to control my life and reality. I get the overall sense that I am in control of the vast simulation that is my life, and for a brief moment, the simulation and I become aware of each-other. There’s a beauty to this realization, but also some fear. Anything that’s been bothering me, concerning me, causing me stress is played out like a movie. I can see the frames of my past, and sometimes what appears to be my future playing out like a filmstrip. My interactions with friends and loved ones, my co-workers. Strangers. My successes and my mistakes, all right there in front of me being shown to me. I can feel the emotions of the moment. I can feel the pain of the mistakes and miscalculations, but I am at peace with where they have brought me, building on each moment and growing as I witness and re-experience them. I can occasionally feel myself happy or sad crying but it’s almost momentary. It’s a massive rush and burst of emotions and I’m powerless, I just watch and learn. I am being forced to confront my reality and understand what has brought me to that exact moment of time. How my choices have grown me as a person and how each future decision can shape my reality.
Immediately, something inside me rushes to life. I get the feeling that I have realized that the world around me is a simulation, a creation, something offered to me by a greater power, but I am being told that power is actually ME. I hold the keys. I am the one in control. I am the only one who can bring the world back to life, and I have to WANT it. I must NEED it to resume, and my sheer power of will and self can bring it back. If I don’t want it bad enough I’ll be trapped in this void of memories and emotion forever. In this moment I start to demand that the simulation restart, and I feel increasingly ready. I am ready to conquer what comes next and embrace the things that have made me who I am. With my own conscious power I can “will” the world around me back to life, and it begins to return on my command and willpower.
Slowly everything comes back, the void increases in size, color and intensity and slowly my field of view begins to include the paused reality around me. The music starts to speed up, and the people around me start to move again, slowly resuming from where they left off. They are blissfully unaware that they were just paused, only were only able to resume their reality upon my personal force of will to allow them to begin again. It’s as-if I am giving the world around me a second change to try again, and giving myself the knowledge that I can make the world a better place. I’ve been given this god-like power to control reality and it’s my purpose to make things better.
As motion resumes, I start to feel my spirit and “self” slowly start to come back in sync with my physical body. From a few feet out of phase to a few inches, slowly I’m coming back into sync with my motions and my muscle control begins to return. I start to move my hands, to check if I am in control again, and as I do so, everything slowly syncs back up. The resumption of control happens fairly quickly, over about a minute or two. It’s Impossible to know in this stretched time, but that is my best estimate.
Once I feel that I am fully in sync, I’ll have some short bursts of speed increase or decrease around me. It makes me feel that the “simulation” is reminding me that I can return again, and this space of self development is never really gone from me. It’s always accessible, but only when I really need it. It won’t find me, I have to find it myself, want it, need it and earn it to achieve this feeling of control and power.
Once I am back in sync and feel restored, I’ll engage with a friend and try to talk. I usually ask “how long was I out?” And the first thought is “omg, I hope I wasn’t an inconvenience.” I actively do my best to minimize letting holes happen in public for fear of ending up in a medical tent or in an ambulance, as most people that aren’t versed in the magic of a k-hole don’t fully grasp that it’s a quick and temporary powerful catatonic state. For me, usually about 20 minutes, sometimes up to 35. I absolutely do not recommend doing this in public unless you are incredibly certain that the crew you have with you is able to handle it, supportive and understanding. Good friends are hard to find. Friends that know what a k-hole is and let you have your journey are invaluable. Don’t outwear their patience, don’t make them constantly babysit you.
Words of warning:
Mixing ket with any other central nervous system depressants (alcohol, GBL, GHB) can be a recipe for a trip to the emergency room in a very expensive ambulance and ruining your friends evening. Coming out of a beautiful hole in an ER bay with oxygen, saline and a blood draw needle & nurses asking you: “what did you take” Is never a good way to end the night, speaking from experience. Just because you can remain standing and coherent enough to not cause problems doesn’t mean that there isn’t a small chance you’ll lose motor control and collapse into a ball of jelly on the floor. Clubs, festivals, parties don’t really love someone collapsing in a catatonic state and it is a quick way to end your evening early . Be safe and know what you’re doing, or don’t go too deep in public. A gram of K is cheap, the ER is ~$3600 minimum without good insurance, and not every venue has intelligent medical staff on hand to help guide you back carefully into reality.
Be safe.